Speak to me Lord for your Servant is Listening

So I am way behind on updating this blog. I think I will just start with the present instead of trying to fill in the last year of life. God has been speaking to me lately. Not audibly, but through his Word and in my head. I know what you are thinking, "In your head? How is there room in there with all that brain you got going on?" Don't worry people, my brain storage has significantly decreased since having children. Now there is some room in there for the big guy. It has been awesome. And circumstances have confirmed that it really was God speaking to me and not my desperate mom self. I still have not figured out the healing thing, but it is not acting as such a road block as it was before. That's all for now.

some cool verses

Just read this in Isaiah 58:6-
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share our food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I."

A few comments from me:
We will shine like the dawn when we do those things - essentially when we serve the "Least of these." I get that. But the verse also says that when we do those things "your healing will quickly appear." Hmmm. Back the the healing questions. Was this just for the Israelites? What kind of healing?

Sometimes it feels as though the LORD is silent. Sometimes He is. That is why it is so great when the LORD says to us "Here am I."

a little healing

I haven't updated since November because not a whole lot has changed since then (until about a month ago). Still wrestling on the topic of healing. However, I saw a glimmer of hope. A little boost that I needed in my faith.

In my pregnancies with Elijah and Lydia, I get Thrombocytopenia, which is when your platelets (blood clotters) drop. They need to be at a certain level for an epidural (100,000) and delivery (50,000?). The only way to help slow down their downward progress is to take prednisone, which is a steroid. I took them with both pregnancies and I delivered (a week early by induction) right at 100,000. And as many of you know I have major problemos with breastfeeding and it could be partially caused by the roids (they are like an antibiotic in that they increase the yeast in your body). The thrush - ouch. I cry thinking about it.
This is me pregnant with Lydia - a few weeks before delivery. On the roids. Don't I look buff?


That being said, I started this pregnancy with 210,000 platelets and they started going down. 170,000 to 130,000 to ...
Before my dr. appt at 34 weeks (where previously I had to start on prednisone) I had a chat with God. "God, I need to see something. I need you to help me with my faith cause it is weak. Why don't you RAISE my platelets?" It wasn't like a made a deal, "If you raise my platelets ... I will buy you an ice cream or read my Bible more." Basically told him, I needed it. I needed it for my faith in Him. "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

I went to my Dr. appt. and he looks at my chart and says, "I don't know what happened, but your platelets are at 148,000."
"I know what happened! It is from prayer!" And then I told him the background, "I am in this weird place in my faith in regards to healing...."
He listened. And then said, "Well I have another patient and the predinsone is not working. I need to go tell her to pray."

There is no other explanation that God answering my prayer. I had researched it and could find no other means of slowing down the dropping - no vegetables or herbs or exercises, etc.
Even when I was on the prednisone, my platelets never went up. Now now roids for me!!! (That is why I am so flabby). And maybe I won't have the thrush issues with nursing!

So I am not out of my spiritual funk, but this has definitely helped...

Still No Healing

The baby girl I mentioned in my previous blog, the one without any kidneys, was born today. Her name was Olive. She lived for one hour. I can't say "Where was God?" because I know he was working. I know there is purpose in trials.
But I still don't get it. Wouldn't healing that baby bring God more glory? Draw more people to Himself? It certainly would have increased my faith...or so I think.

Healing

Lately I have really been wrestling with the idea that God still heals people today. Part of the problem is that I have never seen it. Instead, I have seen people pleading, begging, praying to God for healing. And believing that He will do so. And then he doesn't. When I was pregnant with our daughter (Faith), who had a terminal condition, I really didn't expect God to heal her. Maybe I didn't believe he would. I definitely don't have the spiritual gift of faith. But Shiloh does. And he believed that God was going to heal or her. He prayed earnestly for that. No healing there. But I was okay with that at the time.

But lately, I am not really okay with God choosing not to heal people, in particular babies. Lately I have had way to many people cross my path that have prayed for healing and not gotten it. And so not only am I struggling with this whole healing thing, I am a bit mad a God. I think one of the instigators of my whole healing struggle was when I heard about Jud. I don't know Jud's family, but one of my good friends (Keri) does. Here is an exerpt from Jud's caringbridge site:

"Call me 'Jud the Stud.' I was born Christmas Eve '04 & died Nov. 7, '07 at age 2 1/2. Starting May '07, I went from having normal function of my body, to being fully paralyzed, blind, mute, unable to swallow, & more. I had Krabbe disease, a rare, genetic, incurable leukodystrophy.
I am now in the arms of Jesus & remain deeply loved by many!"

I read the updates faithfully as his parents cried out and BELIEVED that God would heal Jud. From all night prayer vigils locally to driving him to Santa Barbara for a special healing service. And in my faithlessness I read the posts and thought, "Sad because God is not going to heal him. I have never seen that happen." And sure enough, Jud suffered and then died. Arghhh! I don't understand. And yet Jud's parents are singing God's praises and declaring his faithfulness despite the fact that their boy was not healed. I guess that is how I was too with baby Faith. God somehow delivers the peace and grace when you need it. And ironically, I can look back at my experience and see God's hand in the whole thing. Felt closer to Him than ever before. Felt his love and tasted his Word like never before. So I am not bitter or angry about my situation with Faith. But I still can not understand how this whole healing thing works.
(And I know the verses Isa 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.)
But come on, Does God only heal in India and Africa because I have heard a few stories of healing from there?

There is a gal from my church who is pregnant with a baby girl who does not have any kidneys. Baby cannot live without kidneys. But she and her husband and praying and believing that their daughter will be healed. Here is an excerpt from their blog:
"We explained that this is all new to us, that we're even venturing outside our home church's doctrine by declaring healing. We explained that Jesus "healed them all." That we believe it's His will to heal all still, and that includes Olive, as He is the "one who changes not." We told them about the scripture in Isaiah (65:20) that speaks of the New Heavens and a New Earth, "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..." I told them we were taking this scripture and praying the Lord's prayer for His will to be done one Earth as it is in Heaven.

We told them that, just as we receive our salvation by believing, we receive His promise of healing based on believing, and that is why we are already thanking Him.
Mark 11:24
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
1 John 5:14-15
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us -whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him."
I'm not talking about the "name it and claim it" movement that I heard was preached against at last Sunday's service. I'm talking about a promise. I'm talking about a good God."

And while I am so praying for them if I am honest, I do not expect God to heal baby Olive. Where is my faith? But where is my God in all these other instances of faithful people crying out to God for healing?

I wrote most of this post the other night, but was interrupted and did not finish, which is cool. Because tonight I ran into Kim Dunn at church. I had forgotten about her amazing healing stories... of herself. I told her I needed to get together with her to hear them again. I just wish I had known her when it all happened.
I feel kind of like the father of the demon possessed boy in Mark 9:22-24
"But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
‘If you can?' said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Shiloh says a good blog is short and has photos. Well, I definitely don't get any short points so I will throw up some random photos. This one looks like Elijah is casting a demon out of Lydia so I thought it was at least somewhat relevant to the blog. And besides, there are only a few peeps reading this blog anyway...those that checked my profile and found this. And I would love to hear any comments for those of you that have seen some firsthand healing accounts!

And in this pic, it looks like Lydia is demon-possessed when in reality she is just wondering where neighbor Joe is.

Another Blog? What's This One About?

Right now this is going to be my secret blog. We'll see if anyone discovers it. First, let me apologize for the lame domain name: "Heart Happenings." I mean, could get any more Women's Bible Study title or Women's retreaty? Nothing against Women's Bible Studies or retreats - this blog just isn't either of those things. It was either hearthappenings.blogspot.com or poopinyourface.blogspot.com. Those were just about the only 2 domains available. Anyway, I am going to use this as sort of a journal for my spiritua journey. And I know blogs are pretty boring without photos so I will try and be like Oprah (with her O Magazine) and just put headshots of myself with each post... or maybe not. I will think of somthing.

“God created us in his image, and we decided to return the favor.” -George Bernard Shaw.

One of Those Days

I wrote this little article for Elijah's preschool newsletter.

Have you ever had one of those days where you cannot believe the rebellious behavior of your preschooler? The sassy talk? The rolling eyes? The mean-spirited attitude and actions towards siblings? The blatant defiance … over and over again? And you vacillate between thinking “There must be something wrong with my child.” and “I must be doing something wrong?” Well, if you have not had one of those days then please write a book and let the rest of us know the recipe for a perfect child. And for the rest of us, there is hope. And His name is God. I don’t have the recipe for perfection, but I have the recipe for perspective. Sugar, caffeine and television. Just kidding. Wanted to check if you were actually reading this. When you have had “one of those days,” take a deep breath and get on your knees. First, thank God that he has blessed you with a child. Even on the worst of days, children are a blessing from the Lord. Second, ask God for wisdom and patience as you deal with your child. Pray that you could love your child the way God loves you. After all, how many times have we turned our back on God, rolled our eyes at him, ignored him and disobeyed his commands? And yet, the Bible says this:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” (Lamenations 3:22-24)
God is patient with even in the midst of our defiance … over and over again. He forgives us and gives us a clean slate. His mercies are new every morning. With God’s help, may we extend that same grace to our children.